The Plant Whisperer pt I

I am a plant whisperer and I can tell you that celery does not scream when it is cut. It's more like a sigh of relief... I mean, use your eyes people - it grew up in jail. Avacadoes are different, I feel sorry for them because most have had a good life, but they're just so darn tasty. Any ways, to answer the question most people ask, which is, "so mister smarty-trousers, what are they saying?" I say, "Are you nuts? It's not what they're saying, it's how they're saying it... dumbass."

Most plants, granted, are saying things like, eat me, or, smell me, or feed me to that four legged creature before it takes a crap on me - no wait, I'm hungry, never mind. Remember, plants are angry, thorny, scaly creatures that only have sex once a year but then quite a bit let me tell you. They deal with bugs. They are probed by birds. Rubbed by passers by. Trees stick together - talk about your clique mentality. I was chattin' with a cedar in the park the other day and he said he had to wait a long time before there was an opening. Then a dog bit me. Something about his territory but I didn't have a clue at the time. Had to call my buddy Jack the Dog Barker to figure that one out.

So back to the topic at hand - which is your haircut. Loser. Just kidding, but that's what it's like in the plant world these days. They're pissed and frankly, I don't blame them. Some claim to like the extra cee-oh-too but most decry the solid particles, diminished sunshine and the slippery water. Makes for lackadaisical cell structure and honestly, I've had more interesting conversations with fake plants in a bank than some of the produce that's on the shelves these days. (Don't get me started on hydroponics 'cuz I'd like to keep my job, capeesh?)