The Plant Whisperer pt III

So how did all this start? How did I become a Plant Whisperer? As a toddler I was amazed by the interplay of light and shadow, air and earth, smell and texture of the lawn. As I grew, trees beckoned me to climb them. I helped to plant and harvest - enjoy nature's bounty and was drawn to plants... their silky smooth leaves and textured bark. Their mystery and magnificence. Then one night I was at a party and was verbally assaulted by an Aspidistra and well, it's been that way ever since.

In college I met a girl who had braces on her teeth and fire in her eyes. We'd canoe down the Don River until we bottomed out on some silt and then make out until it was time to be rescued. In that time I would also sing to her the songs of the trees and we'd lie in the bottom of the boat, looking up and were free... I think she's a real estate agent now. Maybe I'll Google her.

Anywho, I better sum things up before people say I've been spending too much Thyme with Ivy and goin' all over the place, ha-ha-ha... Exactly. Look people, what plants are really saying is, give us a break will ya? Go eat something else for a change, like rocks or maybe each other forchrizakes. The last palnt I talked to, the one who inspired me to write nthis, had a worried look on his/her base. I said, "Ooommmm..." (What? You think plants speak English? Arrogant mammal.) The plant said, and I'm translating here, "Go back to the planet from whence you came."

Disturbing. I kid you not.