THE LOUGAN CONDITION

Lawn Disease

What is it. Why should we care...

The horticultural industry has long been a supplier of employment and recreation for Lougans in North America. While our cousins in Europe, Asia and elsewhere, (in the western and southwestern United States prodominately Latin American labourers) have enjoyed the benefits of cultivated lifestyles for centuries, the acceptance of certain practices in Canada has been slow to materialize. Lougans have traditionally been at the forefront in adopting ancient traditions - for example; Eschewing daily bathing. Scavanging techniques related to diet and sexual relations that would be familiar to Neanderthal man. Injesting raw plant material for it's psychotropic insights and perhaps most notably - Herd-like gatherings of intoxicated individuals of varying size and intensity.While not particularly interested in contributing to society or perhaps monetary gain beyond what is required for a twenty-four hour period, Louganus Americanus ex extremis, will often-times pick up casual employment cutting lawns for a living. The impact of this activity is two-fold. First, it keeps them from breaking into your house. Second, you're just as likely to be beaten on the street. The repetitive nature of this activity, combined with daily exposure to air-borne pathogens (pesticides, mold spores, animal feces) can destroy an individuals will to live. A common refrain in the industry may sound something like this - "If I have to cut one more lawn I'm gonna lose it, man." The warning signs are sometimes not immediately obvious as sufferers may appear to be in their "normal" state i.e., sullen, uncommunicative, hairy, stinky, drunk, stoned, or both. Sufferers may also; cough, smoke, urinate frequently, vomit, sleep intermitently, find an increased/decreased sex drive, eat poor diets, consume vast quantities of cheap beer etc etc.

While no immediate solution is in sight to this unfortunate condition, recognition and acceptance are important steps in obtaining treatment and eventual re-training as Astro-Physisists or perhaps Dentists...