LIFE OF LOUGAN

by Jack the Dog Barker

Starring - Lonesome Betty and Tall Paul Lougan, Big Fat Reggie, Bob, and of course - the ladies love 'im - Jack the Dog Barker

Act I, sc iv

BOB (to PAUL) Paully?

PAUL Cheers. (to REGGIE) Reggie?

REGGIE Nah. Cuts into my drinkin' time.

LONESOME BETTY gets hold and pulls like an Olympian -

LO BET (exhaling) I need a valium... Do we have any left?

PAUL Nope.

LO BET What about my other shit?

PAUL Go get some.

LO BET You get it!

PAUL I got company!

LO BET These fuck-withs?

BOB Hey...

PAUL Sorry bud.

LO BET Reggie will you go?

REGGIE Uh...

PAUL Fuck Bet, will you relax?

LO BET (stamping her feet) That's why I need iiitttttt...

PAUL Last time Reggie went he was gone for three days.

REGGIE I had to go visit my mom.

PAUL Well ya could've phoned.

LO BET Fuckkit. I'll go myself.

She exits - right - to the bedroom. The others continue watching the game. After a moment LONESOME BETTY enters - right - wearing high-heels and a stupidly short skirt.

JACK Gggrrr...

LO BET (to PAUL) Gimmie some walkin' around money.

PAUL reaches into his jeans and pulls out a five. He hands it to her without looking at it.

LO BET More.

PAUL That's all I've got.

LO BET Bullshit.

She is about to explode. BOB breaks the tension by handing her some spare change -

BOB Here. Don't beat on 'im.

LO BET Thank you. (to PAUL) At least someone knows how to treat a lady.

PAUL belches loudly.

LO BET Pig!

LONESOME BETTY marches off stage - left - We HEAR a door slam as PAUL yells -

PAUL Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

After a moment or two REGGIE says -

REGGIE Did ya hear the one about the penguin who walks into a bar?

PAUL No.

REGGIE He walks into this bar and sez, "Hey buddy, have you seen my brother?" and the bartender says, "I dunno. What's he look like?"