BONJOUR KITTY

In response to all those readers who have called in to complain about the violent and sexist content of Lougan Watch, we hereby create a new feature called Bonjour Kitty, whereby we call in on some of the local cats in the 'hood for (hopefully) breakfast and some intelligent conversation. This morning, let's start by dropping in on Lo Bet. I hope she's awake.

"Hey Bets! Betty!"

"What?"

"Hey it's Grunter, I just started a new feature called Bonjour Kitty..."

Shortly afterwards I was escorted from the property by her boyfriend, Tall Paul. I still had a buck-eighty in my pocket though, and that's enough for a coffee and donut if I go over to Bernie's Tim Hortons. Halfway there I decided to go to a closer one and that's where I met my new girlfriend, Ginger-Pot.

"How's it goin' eh?"

Ginger-Pot used to operate a grapple-yarder up north until the entire pulp industry went out the window. Now she's back home workin' around the corner from where she grew up. So Ginge, I guess it kind of sucks to be livin' in your parent's basement.

GP: Not really. It's only for a little while and I think they're just happy to have me back.

GS: How long were you at the mill?

GP: Well, it wasn't so much a mill as a sorting station. It'd be more of a yard than anything else... raw logs. It was a lot of work but I was making fuckin' good money.

GS: Wow. You're incredibly hot...

GP: Shudduppp.

GS: Y'know, Mighty Machines is one of my favourite shows.

GP: What's that?

GS: It's like a kid's show about heavy equipment, mining trucks and shit. I think they did one on a grapple-yarder.

GP: Really?

GS: Yes. It was cool, this big hand grappling those logs. You ever grapple a log missy?

GP: Shudduppp... you're a sicko.

GS: Kiss me.

GP: No. You're being a jerk. And don't give me that but that's what jerks do look. It's time you grew up and got a job.

GS: But baby, we just met.

GP: I don't care. If you want to be with me you need to be bringin' home more than just bacon, y'know what I'm sayin'?

GS: All's I'm sayin' is I love you already...

- this bit cut due to sheer stupidity - ed.

The next morning as I lay in bed, I could feel Ginger-P looking at me. I opened my eyes slowly and turned to face her so that she would come into focus as my eyes adjusted to the light.

"Hiyah."

"Hi." she answered. "What happened to your cheek?"

She must've been looking at my scars. "That? Uh, it's what's left of a burn I got in a fire when I was a kid."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's no big deal. It was more the corrective surgeries that fucked me up."

"I guess."

"Put a guy in the hospital once 'cuz he was callin' it a skin condition."

"That's not so bad."

"My Nan died in that fire."

"Oh... I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Wasn't your fault."